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« q&a's from the day | Main | story time »

May 28, 2010

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

:)

what's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

I'm thinking about entering the Antarctic lottery. Well, you have to be Innuit to win it!

A few for you:

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, 'make me one with everything'

Why are pirates pirates?
They just argh.

Why wouldn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.

If Shakespeare had also been an unsuccessful wrestler, would he have been the No-Holds Bard?

Two monkeys are sat in a bath. One says, 'oo-oo, ah-ah'. The other one says, 'well put some more cold water in then'.


I'm here all week.

I recently attended the wedding of two TV aerials. The ceremony was terrible, but what a fantastic reception!

What do you call a Frenchman who changes his mind?
Phillipe-Fillope

I went to the pyschiatrist wearing cling-film trousers, and he said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"

What's green then red? A frog in the smoothie machine.

(ok, I'll get my coat for that last one)

I bought an ice cream last week. The ice cream man said, "Hundreds and thousands?". "No, just one please."

Doctor doctor i think i'm blind.
You certainly ar this is a Bakery

I only know three jokes. Here they are:

1. What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.

2. What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

3a. What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.

3b. What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding it's breath.

What do donkeys at (insert name of favourite seaside resort) get for lunch....?

Half an hour!


I'm here all week, try the beef

Why did the orange stop rolling?

Because it ran out of juice.

Q: why didn't the police suspect the smoothie?

A: Because it was innocent

Whats brown and sticky?

A STICK!

Ruby: That was going to be mine; love that joke!

Instead:
Q - Why is a slippery pavement like music?
A - Because if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Not so much a joke but i love it anyway...

Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy Wuzzy Had no Hair
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't Fuzzy Was he?

What's brown and sticky?
A stick!

Q. What do flies wear on their feet?

A. Shoos

Thank you and goodnight...

What's green and sits in the corner?

A naughty frog

How do you tell the difference between a squirrel and a toothbrush?

Put them both at the bottom of a tree, the one that goes up is the squirrel

a horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?"

Q: Where did the general keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!

Q: What did Cinderella say as she was waiting for her pictures to develop?
A: Some day my prints will come!

Q: What do termites have for breakfast?
A: A nice, warm bowl of oak-meal!

This is a set:

Q: How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter

Q: How do you fit a giraffe in your fridge?
A: Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in

Q: God called a meeting of all the animals - which animal didn't attend?
A: The giraffe - he was still in the fridge

Q: How did the man cross the crocodile-infested river without either bridge or boat?
A: He swam across - all the crocodiles were at the animal meeting.

Oh yes.

Q. What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A. Doug

Q. What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A. Douglas

Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A. Cliff

Q. What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
A. Phillipe Flop

Q. What's black and white and red all over?
A. A sunburnt zebra (or penguin!)

Now taking bookings for Weddings, Birthdays and other functions...

Further to Stephanie's joke trail:
Q. How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
A. They paint their toenails red!

Q. Never seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A. Shows how good their camouflage is!

Q. What's Green, hides in trees waiting to kill you?
A. A snooker table.

Q. What did Napoleon say to his men just before they got on the boats?
A. Men, get on the boats.

A man walks into a bar. The barman says, 'why the long face?'.

Oh, wait.

Q. What's red and invisible?
A. No tomatoes!

Q. What's yellow and deadly?
A. Ninja sweetcorn.

Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A. Because he no body to go with!

Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!
Pull yourself together man.

I walked into a pet shop, and I asked them for a wasp.
They said, 'we don't sell wasps'
I said, 'Well there's one in your window!' (credit the late, great Tommy Cooper for that one!)

Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
A. He felt his presents...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says, 'is this some kind of joke?'

ok heres the short one;
what cheese do you use to hide a horse?
mascarpone!
and the long one
once upon a time in a fancy fish restaraunt there lived the lime green furry lipped squid. Hans a german worked in the kitchen as the dishwasher and jervais was the waiters name.
one fateful night the maitre de went to jervais and said
"a customer has chosen his seafood course please catch and have that sqid cooked" he pointed to the lime green furry lipped squid innocently floating in the restaraunt aquarium with the lobsters and clownfish (this is post nemo). Well Jervais wasnt afraid, he got the net and caught the lime green furry lip squid and was about to drop it in a vat of bubbling boiling water, when he loked down into the creatures eyes and nearly wet for the beauty and pathos of them. So he called Hans, who was rough and tough and said "Hans please kill this squid so that our customer my have a tasty squiddy dinner". Hans was ready, he took the squid and was about to throw him in when he too looked down and was moved to tears by the emotion and beauty in the lime green furry lipped squid's eyes. he too could not kill such a noble creature, the customer would have to have something else.
The moral is that Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervais with the Lime Green Furry Lipped Squid!

What do you call a spanish carpet layer?
Andre [said in spanish accent]

How do you make a sausageroll?

Push it down a hill

What do you get if you sit under a cow?

A pat on the head.

What did the Orange Say to the Lemon?

Hello Lemon

A man walks into a bar with an amphibian in his hand and says to the Barman "I'd like a pint for me and a saucer for Tiny here please." The barman brings the drinks and says "Tell you what mate, they're on the house if you tell me why he's called tiny." The man says "What? Isn't it obvious?"

'He's my newt'.

Q. What did the doctor say to the nurse who fell over?
A. "Are you all right?"
(My mother's favourite).


A man walks into a bar and says "ow!"

Q.Who built King Arthurs round table?

A.Sir Cumference!

Q.What is the most common owl in Britain?

A.The teat-owl!

By the way, when is the deadline for this? Or is it a case of innocent quietly forgetting that they ever promised to do this? Are all these jokes really not deemed good enough by the legendary joke-tellers of fruit towers?

What do you call a three-legged donkey? A WONKEY! :)

Hello Jim

We've not forgotten.

Technically, there is no deadline as we use jokes all over our big cartons all the time.

Right now, we're just saving them up for the next time we change our packaging.

So we'll be sending the top 5 winners a case of drinks then. Should be around Christmas time - the best time of year for present receiving apparently.

Knock Knock?

Who's There?

Biggish,

Biggish Who?

No Thanks.

I got stung by a bee the other day...


He charged me a fiver for a jar of honey...

:o) always makes me giggle Xxx

Very funny.....

He asked him if he had brought any Girl Scout cookies...and then WHAT time did he plan to have his daughter home? The poor guy (he is recently 16 too!) was great and said, "whatever time you would like her home." Later, on the date (the went on a group date to Cafe Rio for dinner and then went and played games at an amusement center) he told McKay he thought her dad really did want the Girl Scout cookies. McKay told him that he was only kidding. I think Ty loves to make these poor guys nervous... She daadfid have a really nice time and he was a gentlemen. It was weird watching her get dressed to go on a date.

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