a shocking turn of events

Friends. It is with genuine distress that today I have to report to you all the kidnapping of the beloved and much feted innocent banana phone.

As we've decided to go public with this I should start at the very beginning. At times like these details are crucial, you never know what might jog a vital memory. Monday started here much like any other week I was however I upset to notice that the banana phone was missing from its pedestal in reception here at Fruit Towers. It sits there on a special plinth, a top a velvet cushion where it can be admired by all who pass.  

A quick accusatory email to the usual suspects didn't provide any leads and to be honest I decided not to panic. 'It'll come home when it's ready' I thought. How I now regret those wasted hours.

On Tuesday morning things took a sinister turn. A ransom email. I'm afraid that in my anger and panic I responded hastily and said that they might take my phone but they'd never break my spirit and that it should be returned immediately.

I presumed that would be the end of the matter and expected it's safe return. It's frightening how wrong a person can be. This morning I received this.

These people clearly mean business. Here is a link to the ransom note so you can read for yourselves.  

http://www.bmycharity.com/V2/bananaphonejacker

It looks like I have to meet their demands or risk not getting the phone back, I shudder to think what could be happening to it. It's out there somewhere and I want it back.

In the mean time all generous souls should dig deep. Please help me bring the banana phone back home where it belongs. Have a splendid long weekend and please remain vigilant.

the woolly hats cometh

Earlier this week we were privileged to receive a visit from the lovely Ligia. She has been hard at work for the last few months and brought us the fruits of her labour to admire. Here she is with her frankly astounding contribution of 1758 little knitted hats for the big knit 2009.

Talk about setting the bar high.

Ligia, we at fruit towers salute you. Keep clicking those needles.

sports day, innocent style

Sometimes pictures really do tell a better story than words ever could. This is one such occasion. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, please put your hands together and shield your eyes as we present you with the horror and utter stupidity of the innocent Sports Day 2009.

Tom leapt like a pixie in the kiwi and spoon race (we don't keep many eggs in fruit towers).

 

The scoring was professional.

 

Wheelbarrow technique faultless.

Andy regretted wearing an all in one Jamaican bobsleigh team suit.

 

Everybody struggled with 'wibbly wobbly' (note Jeremy's angled running style).

Emma won best dressed.

 

And the shortest shorts competition was fearsome. And frightening. Fearsomely frightening.

 

(Overall winner was Sally - shielded here by Mark owing to the sheer indecency of her shorts)

World Athletics Championships shmanpionships. 

If it's true sporting prowess you're after, forget Berlin, it's all about Ravenscourt Park on a Thursday afternoon.

just what is that you do here? part 1: team finance

Exhibit A: our Finance team.

Finance teams. Every business has one. But just what is it that these Excel literate, often very beautiful people actually do? And why do they look so good in short shorts? Donning my deer stalker, with pipe in mouth, I ventured to the desk of dollar to get to the bottom of this monetary mystery.

Joe: So, Alison, just what is finance exactly? And what does a finance team do?

Alison (deep breath, long pause): Well, we make sure that someone is looking at the monetary implications of what all the important people in the business are doing.

Joe: Is this why I've never had any involvement with the finance team before?

Alison: Yes.

Undeterred, I moved round the table to pick the rest of the team's brains.

Joe: So, guys, what does finance mean to you?

Ben (with a huge grin): POs*

Ryan: Headaches.

Denym: What?

Joe: I said what does finance mean to you?

Denym (clutching his hair and leaning back in his chair): Jeez, I don't know.

At this point, perhaps concerned that I wasn't getting a clear answer, the team began shouting out random ideas:

Team: It's about controls, and insights, and reporting, and measuring, and implications. And controls. 

And then Ryan, in a moment of inspiration, clapped his hands together, and pointed at me:

I've got it. If innocent is the car, finance is the engine, and you can't go anywhere without us.

Joe: So you're a taxi service?

Team: You've got it.

 

Exhibit B: Finance Director, James 'the man' Davenport, playing (as always) with his abacus

Joe: James, you're a knowledgable chap, and head of finance here in fruit towers. Just what does the finance team do?

James: (gazing wistfully into the distance and muttering to himself under his breath) Hmmm. What does the finance team do?

Joe: Well, as far as I can tell it's about controls, and insights, and reporting, and implications. Huge implications. And numbers. And taxis - loads of taxis.

James: And ice lollies.

Joe: And ice lollies. Right. Gotcha'.

 

Exhibit C: Ben in short shorts looking a lot like Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson

Joe: Why do you wear such short shorts, Ben?

Ben (grinning, again): They're not short.

Joe: Right. Gotcha'.

So there we have it. Team Finance: insightful, controlled, and utterly delusional.

Next week, Team IT.

(* PO is short for Purchase Order forms, which must be raised every time the business spends money. Whether 'raised' is finance speak for 'written', or whether it means that a piece of paper must be held aloft for a period of time is unclear, but Ben certainly enjoys them).

chip off the old town crying block

Following last week's town crying competition, we now have a winner

Whilst not guessing the exact ending to Joe's dad's special innocent cry (before the video cut out), it was Charlie who come the closest in terms of theme and sentiment:

[innocent veg pots are just the trick. They keep you....]

..upstanding when you're with your chick.

innocent thickies are oft misconstrued,
They're not viagra, they're healthy fruit food.

Big well done to Charlie.

For those of you who wish to know what the actual end of Alistair's ditty was, here's Joe's own rendition of his dad's special cry

Talk about chip off the old block.

ready, steady, knit

 

Rich is wearing a scarf indoors, Emma has her hat on, the boys are looking confused, and the needles are clacking away like crazy. This can only mean one thing: Big Knit 2009 is here, and it's woolier than ever.

To kick things off here in fruit towers we held a 'wear your knits to work day' last week. A little strange to be wearing scarves and hats indoors on a summer's day but it was nice to get the needles out again and begin knitting some little hats. And if knit wear needs wearing indoors, we'll wear it. No questions asked.

In the evening we invited some of London's most amazing knitters round for a knitting based get together. There were sandwiches, cakes and tea (essential for an evening's knitting), and more wool than you could shake a sheep at, as well as a bunch of prizes on offer for the best hats knitted on the night. 

Fruit towers was bustling.

New knitters learned the ropes from experts.

  

Steve got some wool on his head.

 

Creations were admired.

The finest hats got paraded around the office.

 

And when it came to the vote, the decision was unanimous...

 

 Jo's sweetcorn inspired creation and Iris' grapes hat were stand out favourites.

 

More than 100 hats were knitted in total, countless cups of tea drunk, and much fun had by all.

Welcome back Big Knit. We've missed you.

We're after your hats again so please get knitting if you've not already started - there's nothing quite like seeing bundles of hats arrive at our door.

And there'll be more details to follow soon. Watch this space.

the crust of the matter

  

Since the new toaster has become the focal point for all gossip and skiving related activites in Fruit Towers, many an interesting discussion has taken place in the face of it's chrome glare.

Is it acceptable to eat chocolate spread on toast before 9am? (Only on Fridays. Never in meetings).

What is the difference between wholemeal, brown and multigrain bread? (Pumpkin seeds. Mainly).

And just what do you call the first slice or end slice of a loaf of bread?

Purists (like Rachel) insist it is referred to as 'the crust'

John T does not mince his words and simply calls it ''the end'

 

Dave refers to it as 'the heel' (much to his wife's annoyance)

 

Han's mum calls it 'the endy bit'

 

Heel, hoof, end, crust.

Tell us what you call the thick-bit-of-bread-at-the-end-of-the-loaf and the best name will win a breadbin full of smoothies and some toast (lightly buttered).

what gav saw next

It's great having Gav back

The other week, he gave away the book he'd just finished reading.

And this week while out driving round London in one of our grassy vans, he spotted this to add to his photographic archive of turf transportation. 

 

Imitation is always the sincerest form of flattery.

Even in the world of astroturf.

the magic egg

It's always relieving to find some of the more outlandish stuff we suggest to you actually works. Like the amazing magic egg. As twitted by henweb, thanks for the proof of concept Henry.

a pictorial (and twittorical) review of Dave's afternoon

Our Dave broke down on the side of the M3 this afternoon. With only a grassy van and an iPhone for company. Here's the story as told by Dave on twitter (Blade is the name of the grassy van by the way, we name all our vans for logistical reasons).

@daithiobrien I've just broken down on the M3 - possibly the noisiest place I've ever been. Rescue updates to follow....

 

@daithiobrien Help is at hand!

@daithiobrien Simon says (!) apparently the engine has overheated due to a lack of coolant...

@daithiobrien Blade is now on the stretcher.

@daithiobrien View from the recovery truck cab.

@daithiobrien Blade is home, safe but not quite sound...