innocent drinks juice our drinks us news family bored? press innocent kids health careers
 
daily thoughts
weekly news
 
innocent - healthy jan
innocent - healthy jan
fruit picker
the dudes banana plane iPhone app


long live Alex
daily thoughts

This is what's on our mind today.
If you fancy getting a weekly digest in your inbox, join the family here

« hat of the week: mouse against Zelda | Main | return of the consumer cam »

October 05, 2011

Comments

How does an apple a day keep the doctor away? When you take careful aim.

Not sure if it is worth entering this as I am sure I will be *squeezed* out by much better entries or just *pipped* at the post... ;-)

A Cox's Orange Pippin and an Egremont Russet got married, had kids, and lived appley ever after...

How do you make an apple turnover?

Push it down a hill...

What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't?

It can look round.


What do you call an apple that plays the trumpet?

A tooty fruity.

What do you call a grumpy apple?

Crab apple.

What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple

Why did the apple get sent to prison? Because he was rotten to the core!

Whats worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
Finding half a maggot!

Why did the apples win the rowing competition against the bananas?

Because of the cox. Duh! Bananas don't have THOSE.

What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple?
Worm your way out of that one, then!

How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it round the garden of course

Why did the farmer hang raincoats over his orchard? A neighbour told him he should get an apple mac

Why was the doctor lonely?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away!

Once upon a time there were 5 apples, which was the cowboy?

None - because they were all redskins.

Why did the apple go out with a fig?
Because it couldn't find a date.

How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden

What's the difference between a worm and an apple?

Have you ever tried worm pie!

Why did Eve want to move to New York?

She fell for the Big Apple!

What do you call an apple that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple

P.C. Plod answered the phone to a hysterical woman shouting "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" P.C. Plod asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

Q) Why Did the apple stop rolling down the hill?

A) Because it ran out of juice!

Fred came rushing in to his Dad. “Dad!” he puffed, “is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?” “That’s what they say,” said his Dad. “Well, give me an apple quick ? I’ve just broken the doctor’s window!”

Little Billy, running into the house: "Dad, is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?"

Dad: "Yes, that's what they say"

Little Billy: "Well, give me one quick - I've just kicked the football through the doctor's front window!"

How do you get the most apples at Halloween?

Take a snorkel.

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard?

Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

In memory of Steve Jobs, Apple are launching a new product aimed at women. It's called the Apple I-ron!

Research has proven that (as long as you have Innocent juices available for your wedding guests to drink) you will live Appley ever after regardless of whether yours was a love match or an Oranged marriage...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Apple?!

What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do?
It can look round

Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple???

Finding half a worm!!
BOOM BOOM

how many apples does it take to change a lightbulb

4 - 1 to change the bulb and 3 others to make the 330ml of innocent apple juice

What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.

What can a whole apple do that half an apple can’t do? It can look round

Why didn’t the two worms go into Noah’s ark in an apple?

Because everyone had to go in pairs!

Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard’s on fire.

Two apples were baking in an oven, one turns to the other and says

"Man, its hot in here..."

The other apple said...

"holy c*ap, a talking apple!!"

What do you get if you cross an apple with a crustacean?

A crab apple


orajge: HEY APPLE , Hey apple
apple: WHATT?!
orange: you look fruity

What did the pear say when it saw a naked apple?
Core!!!

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Apple!
Apple who?
...

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Apple!
Apple who?
...

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Apple!
Apple who?
...

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Apple!
*sigh* Apple who?
...

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say Apple!?

doctor doctor, I feel like an apple.

Let's get to the core of the problem.

what did one apple say to the other? think different. (my little homage to the man who changed the meaning of 'apple')

How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel....

wey hey

When is an apple not an apple? When it's a pineapple.

I tried. =)

I'm very tempting, so it's said, I have a shiny coat of red, and my flesh is white beneath. I smell so sweet, taste good to eat, and help to guard your teeth. What am I?

Answer... an Apple

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Apple!
Apple who?
Apple down the door if you don't let me in!

What kind of apple isn't an apple?A pineapple

What reads and lives in an apple ?A bookworm

What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple

"Apple will be releasing a new gadget exclusively for women later this year.

It's called the iRon."

R x

Why didnt the orange want another date with the apple?

Cos it was just taking the pith.


What did the Gorilla do with the apple he was holding in his hands?He brought it to school and said, 'An Ape-lle for the teacher!'

What did the apple say to the apple pie?


'You've got a bit of crust there buddy, might wanna get that seen to'

How does apple icecream taste?
Colden Delicious

Upon performing a magic trick, my 5-year-old brother remembered he should wait for apples.

The rest of the magic show was cancelled due to time constraints but Isaac became the most famous member of my family.

What's green and loud?

APPLES!

(OK so it only really works if you're speaking not typing- but it always makes me chuckle. I may need my humour-ometer recalibrated).

I was going to make a joke about the late Apple founder, Steve Jobs, but that wouldn't be very PC.

How do you tell the time with an apple? Cut it in half and count the pips.

The only apple jokes I can think of are appleing.(appalling)

What apple stayed out in the rain for too long?
A Rustic.

At the local Police station, The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant grey thing in my back garden, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

Dad, Dad, Dad the young boy screamed "do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire."

What type of apple isn't an apple?A pineapple.

Once upon a time there were five apples Which was the cowboy? None – because they were all redskins.

What did Mr Apple say to Mrs Apple after her weight loss surgery?
CORE!!

What did "James Grieve" say when he saw a naked "Pink Lady"?

Core!!! (then he crumbled)

Why were the apple and orange all alone?

Because the apple split.

*type error in my joke!*
I meant because the banana split!

Two greengrocers having an argument.
Grocer 1: You remind me of an apple. You're both hard, round,have shiny skin, and are home to worms.

Grocer 2: Funny you should say that, because you have a lot in common with pomegranates- you're red, thick and seedy...

Why did the apple set fire to the pastry?

Because it was a 'pie'romaniac!


Well, you never said the joke had to be funny ...

I sat on an apple the other day... so iPhoned the grocers to ask for another one!

What is square & blue?
An apple in disguise!!!!

How do you eat an apple at Halloween? By goblin it!

Why did the apple stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice!

First apple: 'You look down, what’s eating you?'
Second apple: 'Worms, I think.'

What's worse than finding a slug in your apple?
Finding half a slug in your apple!

Q: What did the apple skin say to the apple?
A: I've got you covered

Two young apples were talking about going on their first holiday without parents and looking at a brochure:

"we could go to this nudist colony, just image the girls, all gold'n delicious!"

"Lots of naked Pink Ladies - Core!"

"And we might be the only Cox there!"

"Hang on, look closer at this picture, isn't that Granny Smith...?!"

"Quick, turnover !"

Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac

Why did the apple go to the dr?
Because it wasnt peeling well!

"Apple vs. Microsoft"
Three Microsoft engineers and three Apple employees are traveling by train to a computer conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple employees buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple employee. They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats, but all three Apple employees cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to do the same on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple employees don't buy any ticket, at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple employee. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a restroom and the three Apple employees cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple employees leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, then what does an onion do?

Keeps everyone away.

An apple walks into a bar.

The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Apple 1 (talking to Apple 2) - 'You know, Innocent Apple Juice has a distinct edge over others'

Apple 2 - 'Yes, but lately I've been thinking of progression to something bigger and even better; something where everyone will want to get their hands on me'

Apple 1- 'Oh really? What did you have in mind?'

Apple 2 puts on a little rain coat.

Apple 2 - 'Look, I'm an Apple Mac!

Three men lost in a forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal King told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I have brought ten apples." The King then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the ten fruits up your bottom without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, and so he was killed. The second one arrived and showed the King ten red berries. When the King explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming back with pineapples."

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate". The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion - please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you will really look the part". Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your bottom and go as a toffee apple."

How do you make an Apple Puff? Chase it around the garden!

If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs? None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.

what kind of apple isnt an apple


a pineapple

First apple: You look down in the dumps. What’s eating you?
Second apple: Worms, I think

What kind of apple has a short temper?A crab apple

This is not a joke, it is, in fact, very serious indeed.

An apple is actually a trees ovary...

But I do have a joke too,
Why did the little girl hang her raincoat in the orchard?

She thought she might get and apple mac. :)

what kind of apple isn't an apple?
A Pineapple.

How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down a hill.

What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then.

Why did the apple go out with a fig?
Because it couldn't find a date!

Q. What do you get when you multiply a Mac by 3.14?

A. Apple Pi.

The comments to this entry are closed.

subscribe to this blog's feed


youtube
our YouTube channel

flickr
innocent big knit 2010
2008/2009/2010 AGM
veg pot veg art
2008 village fete

our other blogs
innocent in Sweden blog*
innocent in Ireland blog
innocent in Denmark blog*
our Big Knit 'knitter-natter' blog
our innocent village fete blog
*contains foreign language & open sandwiches

monthly archive
2011
january |  february |  march |  april |  may |  june |  july |  august |  september |  october |  november | 
2010
december |  november |  october |  september |  august |  july |  june |  may |  april |  march |  february |  january | 
2009
december |  november |  october |  september |  august |  july |  june |  may |  april |  march |  february |  january | 
2008
december |  november |  october |  september |  august |  july |  june |  may |  april |  march |  february |  january | 
2007
december |  november |  october |  september |  august |  july |  june |  may |  april |  march |  february |  january | 
2006
december |  november |  october |  september |  august |  july |  june | 



powered by typepad