It's Friday, it's May and it's sort a holiday already.
What better day than to start the innocent Old Jokes Home?
It's very simple.
Just post your favourite worst joke below (not rude please) and the best ones will not only end up on our cartons (and in this cyber retirement home) but the winners will receive a case load of drinks for their efforts.
Hurrahahaha indeed.
Here's a couple to start you off:
What’s the difference between a kangaroo and kangaroot?
One is a marsupial and the other is a Geordie trapped in a lift.
What do you call a woman balancing a pint on her head whilst playing pool?
Beatrix Potter
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the oven until it's Bill Withers
(N.B you need to say these out loud)
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
:)
Posted by: Kirsty | May 28, 2010 at 02:02 PM
what's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
Posted by: Simon | May 28, 2010 at 02:20 PM
I'm thinking about entering the Antarctic lottery. Well, you have to be Innuit to win it!
Posted by: Jen | May 28, 2010 at 04:07 PM
A few for you:
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, 'make me one with everything'
Why are pirates pirates?
They just argh.
Why wouldn't the grizzly wear any shoes?
He wanted to go bear foot.
If Shakespeare had also been an unsuccessful wrestler, would he have been the No-Holds Bard?
Two monkeys are sat in a bath. One says, 'oo-oo, ah-ah'. The other one says, 'well put some more cold water in then'.
I'm here all week.
Posted by: Steven | May 28, 2010 at 07:50 PM
I recently attended the wedding of two TV aerials. The ceremony was terrible, but what a fantastic reception!
What do you call a Frenchman who changes his mind?
Phillipe-Fillope
I went to the pyschiatrist wearing cling-film trousers, and he said "well, I can clearly see your nuts"
What's green then red? A frog in the smoothie machine.
(ok, I'll get my coat for that last one)
Posted by: Greg (who blogs at Jigblog) | May 29, 2010 at 02:43 AM
I bought an ice cream last week. The ice cream man said, "Hundreds and thousands?". "No, just one please."
Posted by: Martha | May 29, 2010 at 12:52 PM
Doctor doctor i think i'm blind.
You certainly ar this is a Bakery
Posted by: Aimee | May 30, 2010 at 05:07 PM
I only know three jokes. Here they are:
1. What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
2. What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.
3a. What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
3b. What's blue and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding it's breath.
Posted by: CloudyRu | May 31, 2010 at 11:39 AM
What do donkeys at (insert name of favourite seaside resort) get for lunch....?
Half an hour!
I'm here all week, try the beef
Posted by: andypip | May 31, 2010 at 12:03 PM
Why did the orange stop rolling?
Because it ran out of juice.
Posted by: Maria | May 31, 2010 at 01:31 PM
Q: why didn't the police suspect the smoothie?
A: Because it was innocent
Posted by: Celia | May 31, 2010 at 02:28 PM
Whats brown and sticky?
A STICK!
Posted by: Ruby | May 31, 2010 at 10:10 PM
Ruby: That was going to be mine; love that joke!
Instead:
Q - Why is a slippery pavement like music?
A - Because if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
Posted by: Katya | June 03, 2010 at 04:22 PM
Not so much a joke but i love it anyway...
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear
Fuzzy Wuzzy Had no Hair
Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't Fuzzy Was he?
Posted by: Dawn Cross | June 03, 2010 at 04:50 PM
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Posted by: KT | June 03, 2010 at 09:24 PM
Q. What do flies wear on their feet?
A. Shoos
Thank you and goodnight...
Posted by: Vinny | June 03, 2010 at 11:02 PM
What's green and sits in the corner?
A naughty frog
How do you tell the difference between a squirrel and a toothbrush?
Put them both at the bottom of a tree, the one that goes up is the squirrel
Posted by: Frogchops | June 04, 2010 at 10:15 AM
a horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?"
Posted by: FJ | June 04, 2010 at 10:39 AM
Q: Where did the general keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
Q: What did Cinderella say as she was waiting for her pictures to develop?
A: Some day my prints will come!
Q: What do termites have for breakfast?
A: A nice, warm bowl of oak-meal!
Posted by: Susie Q | June 04, 2010 at 11:18 AM
This is a set:
Q: How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter
Q: How do you fit a giraffe in your fridge?
A: Open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in
Q: God called a meeting of all the animals - which animal didn't attend?
A: The giraffe - he was still in the fridge
Q: How did the man cross the crocodile-infested river without either bridge or boat?
A: He swam across - all the crocodiles were at the animal meeting.
Oh yes.
Posted by: Stephanie | June 04, 2010 at 02:42 PM
Q. What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
A. Doug
Q. What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
A. Douglas
Q. What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
A. Cliff
Q. What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
A. Phillipe Flop
Q. What's black and white and red all over?
A. A sunburnt zebra (or penguin!)
Now taking bookings for Weddings, Birthdays and other functions...
Posted by: Katie | June 04, 2010 at 03:49 PM
Further to Stephanie's joke trail:
Q. How do elephants hide in cherry trees?
A. They paint their toenails red!
Q. Never seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A. Shows how good their camouflage is!
Posted by: Alexandra | June 04, 2010 at 04:10 PM
Q. What's Green, hides in trees waiting to kill you?
A. A snooker table.
Q. What did Napoleon say to his men just before they got on the boats?
A. Men, get on the boats.
A man walks into a bar. The barman says, 'why the long face?'.
Oh, wait.
Q. What's red and invisible?
A. No tomatoes!
Q. What's yellow and deadly?
A. Ninja sweetcorn.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A. Because he no body to go with!
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!
Pull yourself together man.
I walked into a pet shop, and I asked them for a wasp.
They said, 'we don't sell wasps'
I said, 'Well there's one in your window!' (credit the late, great Tommy Cooper for that one!)
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
A. He felt his presents...
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says, 'is this some kind of joke?'
Posted by: Steven | June 04, 2010 at 05:51 PM
ok heres the short one;
what cheese do you use to hide a horse?
mascarpone!
and the long one
once upon a time in a fancy fish restaraunt there lived the lime green furry lipped squid. Hans a german worked in the kitchen as the dishwasher and jervais was the waiters name.
one fateful night the maitre de went to jervais and said
"a customer has chosen his seafood course please catch and have that sqid cooked" he pointed to the lime green furry lipped squid innocently floating in the restaraunt aquarium with the lobsters and clownfish (this is post nemo). Well Jervais wasnt afraid, he got the net and caught the lime green furry lip squid and was about to drop it in a vat of bubbling boiling water, when he loked down into the creatures eyes and nearly wet for the beauty and pathos of them. So he called Hans, who was rough and tough and said "Hans please kill this squid so that our customer my have a tasty squiddy dinner". Hans was ready, he took the squid and was about to throw him in when he too looked down and was moved to tears by the emotion and beauty in the lime green furry lipped squid's eyes. he too could not kill such a noble creature, the customer would have to have something else.
The moral is that Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervais with the Lime Green Furry Lipped Squid!
Posted by: Jessica | June 04, 2010 at 09:36 PM
What do you call a spanish carpet layer?
Andre [said in spanish accent]
Posted by: Nina | June 06, 2010 at 02:19 PM
How do you make a sausageroll?
Push it down a hill
Posted by: Jo | June 07, 2010 at 01:59 PM
What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Posted by: Jonathan | June 07, 2010 at 03:39 PM
What did the Orange Say to the Lemon?
Hello Lemon
Posted by: Tia | June 08, 2010 at 09:01 AM
A man walks into a bar with an amphibian in his hand and says to the Barman "I'd like a pint for me and a saucer for Tiny here please." The barman brings the drinks and says "Tell you what mate, they're on the house if you tell me why he's called tiny." The man says "What? Isn't it obvious?"
'He's my newt'.
Posted by: Andrew | June 17, 2010 at 10:01 AM
Q. What did the doctor say to the nurse who fell over?
A. "Are you all right?"
(My mother's favourite).
A man walks into a bar and says "ow!"
Posted by: Fizzygood | June 18, 2010 at 12:47 PM
Q.Who built King Arthurs round table?
A.Sir Cumference!
Q.What is the most common owl in Britain?
A.The teat-owl!
Posted by: Katie | June 19, 2010 at 03:09 PM
By the way, when is the deadline for this? Or is it a case of innocent quietly forgetting that they ever promised to do this? Are all these jokes really not deemed good enough by the legendary joke-tellers of fruit towers?
Posted by: Jim | July 06, 2010 at 05:01 PM
What do you call a three-legged donkey? A WONKEY! :)
Posted by: Julia | July 12, 2010 at 06:42 PM
Hello Jim
We've not forgotten.
Technically, there is no deadline as we use jokes all over our big cartons all the time.
Right now, we're just saving them up for the next time we change our packaging.
So we'll be sending the top 5 winners a case of drinks then. Should be around Christmas time - the best time of year for present receiving apparently.
Posted by: ceri at innocent | July 15, 2010 at 05:58 PM
Knock Knock?
Who's There?
Biggish,
Biggish Who?
No Thanks.
Posted by: Tom E | August 17, 2010 at 04:26 AM
I got stung by a bee the other day...
He charged me a fiver for a jar of honey...
:o) always makes me giggle Xxx
Posted by: Rhian | December 02, 2010 at 03:37 PM
Very funny.....
Posted by: Blonde Jokes | January 29, 2011 at 08:35 AM
He asked him if he had brought any Girl Scout cookies...and then WHAT time did he plan to have his daughter home? The poor guy (he is recently 16 too!) was great and said, "whatever time you would like her home." Later, on the date (the went on a group date to Cafe Rio for dinner and then went and played games at an amusement center) he told McKay he thought her dad really did want the Girl Scout cookies. McKay told him that he was only kidding. I think Ty loves to make these poor guys nervous... She daadfid have a really nice time and he was a gentlemen. It was weird watching her get dressed to go on a date.
Posted by: cheap jordans | June 09, 2011 at 09:27 AM